Naked Time.

I really try to be a cultured, worldly person. I try to go to art museums and stand thoughtfully in front of the centuries-old paintings. I've even tried either crouching down in front of the painting or standing way up on my toes - maybe changing my perspective on the piece will help me figure out the artist's message. I really, really try. Unfortunately, my reaction to most famous art is more like country singer Brad Paisley's, "You see a priceless French painting, I see a drunk naked girl."

Don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate the skill behind each and every work. Okay that's a lie. At the museum I went to on Monday there was a canvas that was painted red. Just red. No pattern, no shapes, not even a line. Just red. A fucking four-year-old could do that. Interesting side note- a couple of years ago, ABC World News Tonight did an experiment. They had a bunch of five and six year old kids go nuts with finger paints and make pictures. Then they framed these pieces and put them next to work from modern artists. Experts were brought in to see if they could actually tell the difference between the "legitimate" pieces and the kid's artwork. They couldn't. Yes, modern art can be thought provoking and political....sometimes. Most of the time it's not. But for classical works, I do appreciate the skill, talent, and time it took to make such a beautiful piece.

I'm not being very clear. I like art. But I like art in the "pretty colors, cool shapes, amazing skill" kind of way and not the "lets look at the contrast between the styles and see the tension it creates" kind of way. I can do a pretty in-depth analysis if I want to, but it gets exhausting after half an hour. Museums are supposed to be enjoyable, not exhausting.

I went to the Kuntstakademie München (Munich Art Academy) on Monday and was stunned at all of the naked paintings I saw. I had two thoughts:

1. Why is it considered art to paint a naked figure, but it's pornography to photograph one?
2. Ohhh, so that's how artists got women naked. They may have been nuts, but they were clever. Since most famous artists were certifiably crazy, they had to figure out some way to get women naked.

Another thing that stunned me was the type of woman they painted. More specifically, their skin color. They were all exceptionally pale.

Throughout my life, people have given me tips on how to make my skin darker. I could go to a tanning bed, I could lay out in the sun more, I could put on some sort of temporary tanning cream. I don't know if tanning beds and sunlight will make me darker. They might just make me burn. Even in the summertime I am still very, very pale. So pale, I sometimes reflect the sunlight. Thankfully my freckles make me appear a shade darker but are considered "imperfections... and you can do things to lighten those, you know." So I need to darken my skin and lighten my freckles. My mom used to tell me freckles were angel kisses, and everybody else was just jealous because they clearly weren't loved enough.

Well guess what - the naked girls from the famous paintings were all very, very pale too. So what did I learn at the museums last weekend? Modern art sucks, classical art took a lot of skill, and my skin color would be considered the epitome of beauty... if only I had lived three hundred years ago.

Dammit.


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